Yesterday was rough. I wanted to eat everything that wasn’t nailed down. I went to Whole Foods after my work day was over, and did some grocery shopping and got dinner. As I was shopping, I was looking for some of my favorite Nutritarian treats—the Health Starts Here “cheesecake” and “gelato”, both made out of fruit and nuts. They haven’t had them in forever. Then I went to get raisins so that I could make some Nutritarian oatmeal raisin “cookies”, and all of the raisins had oil in them. Sigh. I got really pissed off, and an evil little voice was like, “Screw it. This is totally not worth it. You aren’t even losing weight. Just get the vegan cheetos and vegan ice cream. Why bother? Are you going to eat *another* goddamned salad? If you eat vegan donuts and ice cream you could always throw them up. In fact, why are you eating? You should be working out. You are so lazy!” and so forth. I just stood in the aisle, kind of paralyzed. Then I decided to head to the vegan cheetos. Right as I was about to go down the aisle, I ran into one of my coworkers who was at the Immersion with me. Talk about divine intervention. I spoke with her for a while, and we talked about our challenges since we’ve been home. I told her that I was about to go grab junk food and she encouraged me not to give up. She was super supportive and sweet. I went and got a salad, some soup and a chia seed pudding. I felt so grateful that she just magically popped up in my path. I felt very protected by good old Glinzilla at that moment. It reminded me that I am always surrounded by helpers, even when I don’t know they are there.
Later that night, I was in bed listening to my stomach growl. I know Dr F says that this is toxic hunger and not true hunger, but that thought was not reassuring at that very moment. Finally, I got so pissed off that I got up and had Ezekiel toast and almond butter. The almond butter was supposed to be for the Fuhrman Black Bean brownies I was going to make tonight. Well, not anymore. Clearly it is still not safe for me to have it in my house. It’s reminding me of the question that one of the women asked at the Immersion about bingeing on healthy food. She said that if there was a jar of almond butter in her house, she would just eat it all. Thankfully, this wasn’t a jar, but I wasn’t happy about it. Today is a new day. Learn from it, and move forward. I will make the Happy Herbivore brownies instead that do not have almond butter in them.
There’s been food in my face all week long for Team Member Appreciation week. Today there is an ice cream social going on in our office with like four different kinds of vegan ice cream and cookies. I am telling myself that I can go home, and make myself some black bean brownies for dessert tonight. I do NOT need to eat ice cream in the middle of my work day. Just for today, I can abstain from the mother#@*&^%$ ice cream. I can go to Green Juice Happy Hour with my lovely coworker J and enjoy her company. I can make myself a nice, nourishing, Nutritarian meal that tastes delicious and treat myself to a hot bath and a home pedicure with a salt scrub. I can take care of myself in many ways that have nothing to do with binge eating.
I think it’s funny that sometimes when things are going really well, I want to eat more than ever. Food addiction and addiction in general is cunning, baffling, powerful. It’s not just stress or anger or sadness that sets me off. Sometimes it’s just seeing food. I will go for weeks or months or even years where food does not call to me. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, food calls me: hey bitch, it’s me. Come on over and party.
Sometimes it’s being *happy* or successful. Sometimes it is new things—even really good new things, like a new romance or a new apartment or city or job. Sometimes it’s fear—fear of success, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of everything.
I will leave you all with a reading from Food For Thought that I thought was particularly appropriate:
Abstinence enables us to stop being preoccupied with food. We decide that we will have three meals a day with nothing in between, and we have a definite plan for those meals. Whenever cravings or thoughts of food begin to distract us, we put them out of our mind. We remember that food has proved to be a false friend, and we no longer permit it to control our life.
Through OA, we have found new interests and activities. We have friends to call when we are lonely or upset. When we are feeling shaky, we can go to a meeting. Perhaps our new energies have led to involvement in community activities, new jobs, hobbies and projects.
Each of us faces a certain amount of sluggishness and inertia when we decide to get involved in something new. It is easier to stay in the same old rut, since we often fear what is untried and unknown. Let us not permit apathy or anxiety to weaken our resolution. Escape into food and overeating is no longer an option.