smothered and covered

The Fuhrman Immersion is right around the corner! I received some preliminary documents from Dr. Fuhrman’s folks that I had to fill out and send over. I’ll admit it: I am scared! Scared that I will fail, scared that it will be “too much for me” and worst of all: scared to detox from coffee! I know that if I trust the process, it will all be OK.

And this all nicely coincides with the release of Dr Fuhrman’s new book next week, The End Of Dieting. I am going to read this and Super Immunity before I leave for the Immersion on the 6th.

the end of dieting

There’s some more information on Dr. Fuhrman’s website about the new book. I just really liked this particular sentence: “We deserve better—better information, better food, better health. We deserve information that will work, so we never need to diet again…This is the book and lifestyle we deserve—a proven, effective, and sustainable new approach to eating that enables us to fight and reverse disease, lose weight, and reclaim our right to excellent health. Now is the time to begin your health revival. Welcome to the end of dieting.” And you know what? I so desperately need an end to dieting! I remember last year I was listening to a OA Big Book phone study meeting where the speaker was talking about being “beyond human aid” with her food addiction. And she said something that I had never heard before: that weighed and measured food plans were “human aid.” Basically for me, they are a way for me to diet. I try to retreat to very strict, restricted w/m food plans in OA whenever I get scared by a slip or relapse and it never works for me. I know it works for other people, and I am not trying to denigrate or disrespect other people’s food plans or ways of working the action plan tool of Overeaters Anonymous. For me (and I can only speak for me), I know I need to find a different way. And I keep getting nudged over and over again back to Dr. Fuhrman, using the 12 steps, trusting whatever mysterioso spiritual force is guiding me (I’m calling her/it “Glinzilla” lately) to do and trusting the process. Knowing that the solution is love, not fear. Love, and a whole hell of a lot of vegetables.

And you know what love includes? Honesty. Being honest with myself, first and foremost. Honestly, I want to binge at night. Something about being at home alone in my bed all by myself in my quiet apartment makes me want to eat everything that is not nailed down. Last night I was having practically pornographic fantasies about eating bags and bags of popcorn. Or cookies, or cake, or ice cream. And not because I was hungry. I was full, but I just wanted to fucking eat. A lot. I wanted to stuff down that uncomfortable, weird, twitchy alone feeling so that it was smothered and covered. Buried underneath vegan caramel sauce and peanuts. The problem is, that doesn’t work anymore. It works for about five minutes, and then I feel sick and remorseful and gross and mad at myself. There’s a big difference between eating an item and enjoying it consciously with pleasure and eating unconsciously to stuff my feelings into submission.

There’s always this critical part where I press the “Check The Fuck Out” button. Hard. This is my default mode when I am uncomfortable, and it is super easy for me to just check out with food and food behaviors.

easy-button

It’s that feeling of being checked out and numb, that’s what I want. That’s what drugs and alcohol used to do for me, and now I repeatedly try to use bingeing and/or purging to do this for me. False comfort. False Events Appearing Real (thanks for the FEAR acronym, AA). Just for today, I do not need to do this. I can more forward and live life on life’s terms without having to resort to numbness and alleged escape. Today’s reading from Food For Thought: “Being abstinent puts us into a new world. Instead of trying to cheat ourselves and get away with it, we learn to be straight with ourselves and others. Instead of escaping problems, we learn to face them honestly. Instead of despair, we feel self-respect and a developing self-confidence.”

 

Here’s the link for the new Dr. Fuhrman book:

http://www.drfuhrman.com/shop/End_of_Dieting.aspx

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1 Comment

  1. Your posts are always so thoughtful and insightful. I truly admire your dedictation to that, and I appreciate that you’re so willing to share it with me and others.

    What popped out at me in your very first paragraph – and then you mention it again later on – is that damn concept of fear and love. “There are only two emotions in the world: fear and love” <— That lady blew my mind, and I so badly want to go back just to ask her to talk about it more. Perhaps I just need to google it. What also popped up for me was a comment NG had left recently where she said she read something that basically said: everything you want is on the other side of fear. Health, wellness, joy, peace. That's what I want. And I want for you all the things you want for yourself.

    I'm really looking forward to getting the new Dr. F book; I feel like it's coming out at exactly the right time. I'm ready for it. Ready to make the scary choices (which include giving up dieting!).

    Also: I just want to say that I am right there with you regarding the Check the Fuck Out button. I totally get wanting the numbness.

    Oh, and finally: SO proud of you and happy for you that you did not Check the Fuck Out last night.

    Here's to a great day, my friend. XO

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