I’ve had an *interesting* few days. I’ve been reading and working through another great book by Sondra Ray, The Only Diet There Is. I’m on lesson 9 of the workbook for A Course In Miracles. I am also reading a book at night called Longing For Darkness: Tara and the Black Madonna, by China Galland. I need at least six other blog posts to give that one adequate attention! I’ve been working with lots of written and verbal affirmations, praying like crazy and giving myself as much rest as I can. Work, work, work. And then, there was…cake.
Anyone who has read even a little of my blog knows my struggles with sugar, especially since I got sober. It’s a recurring theme and a recurring problem for me in sobriety. I have been detoxing from the gnarly sugar spiral I went into when I had all of that dental work. I hadn’t had sugar all week. I’ve been feeling like shit. So what does my brain tell me? Just one piece of cake. That’s all. Not a big deal.
I’ve been doing a lot of writing, thinking and praying about Eat To Live, being a resident of Fuhrmanlandia, my food plan, the crippling perfectionism and insane thinking, the obssession with my weight, etc. I shared in a meeting recently that I don’t even *like* eating anymore. I feel like 90% of the time I am either forcing myself to eat or eating against my will. This is not what recovery looks like, by the way. Last time I checked, “Happy, Joyous and Free” does not look like me either hating everything I am forcing myself to choke down OR furtively shoving candy bars that I don’t really even fucking like in my face. That’s a whole lot of self-punishment.
So Thursday night, I asked myself what I really wanted to eat for dinner. Really. If I could eat anything at all in the entire world, what would it be? And I asked my HP Godzilla/Glinda/Ru Paul/La Senora/Holy Ghost AKA Casper to help me to make the decision. I sat in my car and it took me a long time to decide. At first, the immediate thought was NACHOS! Vegan nachos at Mother’s. I sat and thought about how it would taste, how I would feel immediately after, how I would feel the next day. Did it seem satisfying on all levels? You can go have it RIGHT NOW. You can eat as much of it as you want, until you are full. And I was like, “Nope.” I thought more, and realized I wanted steamed vegetables, tofu and…cake. A piece of white, preferably fluffy, vegan cake. I mulled this over some more, went and had steamed vegetables and tofu at a great Vietnamese place by my house. I was really full, but my addict brain was determined that there was one more thing I needed. And I was getting it. So off I went in search of cake.
I went to Kerbey Lane to get cake. I drove around the street looking for parking for 15 minutes. I was getting that goddamned cake. Finally, I realized that was not happening and got on the highway at 8 o’clock at night to go to the Whole Foods on Sixth and Lamar. During South By Southwest. For Cake. Maybe you have to live in Austin to realize the depth of how crazy that is, but I was getting that fucking cake, dammit (self-will, anyone?). I get to Lamar, and they do NOT have the vegan cake I want. They had carrot cake and cookies and cream cake (ewww) but no white cake of any vegan persuasion. Now I was really pissed. I stomped over to the cookie case. I thought about eating cookies, or fuck, even a vegan donut. I thought about how they would taste (dry and unsatisfying or overly sweet and gross). I stood in front of the stupid cookie case and asked for divine guidance and this is the answer I got: Wait to get the cake you really want. You deserve to be happy. Go get a green juice.
So I did. And it was really good. Really, really good. This stuff is seriously the nectar of the Gods. Apparently it is an Austin-based company called Daily Greens, and this particular nectar, Elevate, is only available at Whole Foods. Spinach, watercress, pear, lime, cucumber and Madagascar Vanilla. I would have never thought to combine those things. I will be attempting to re-create this at home today, and I will let you guys know how it goes! Making juice in my Vitamix can be tricky sometimes.
You might think that’s the end of the story. Or that the moral of the story is: Girl Triumphs Over Cake With Green Juice. But no, it’s not. I did get cake last night. I thought about it all day at work, and I made a conscious decision to only eat dinner when I was really hungry and to eat exactly what I wanted to eat. This ended up being a portobello, mushroom, avocado, escabiche and black bean taco. No chips, just one taco (usually I eat two AND chips and guacamole and then feel gross and covered in shame glaze). No salad, no green juice. The big ass salad I had for lunch covered that desire adequately. Every time I try to “force” myself to eat two salads a day, it backfires on me. The second I think I “should” do anything, the second I use force, shit goes south. Quick.
And then I had a piece of Vegas Tres Leches Cake at Mr Natural. Fruit juice sweetned. Normally, this cake is the nectar of the Gods as far as I am concerned. I sat and let myself savor and experience every single bite in silence. I said affirmations. I prayed. And it wasn’t that good. Ha ha ha ha!!! My HP has the best sense of humor ever. I didn’t even finish the cake. And it’s not about the cake. Or the weight. And that’s that.
I woke up today, did my morning routine, had a really great green smoothie and I am looking forward to beans, butternut squash and kale/collards with “hippie” sauce (AKA Hippie Bowl) for lunch. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to feel good. I want to be healthy and happy. I deserve to be happy, healthy, loved and free from this addiction. This way of life does not have to be about deprivation, and I need to work on that some more. Where can I find ways to eat joyously, to take pleasure (as opposed to comfort or escape or punishment) from my food? How can I enjoy being in my body and reward myself with pleasurable activities? My sister in law asked me the other day if I was “living like a monk” again. Meaning exactly what it sounds like: isolating in my yoga cave (AKA apartment), doing nothing but going to meetings, not dating and being frustrated about that, eating kale and praying and meditating. Fucking balance, grasshopper. Sometimes there’s pudding. Sometimes there’s smoking hookahs with cappucino flavored tobacco and seeing bands. Sometimes, there’s pedicures and massages and retail therapy. And sometimes, there’s a whole lot of kale.
I hope my Nute Chicas have a lovely, greens-and-happiness filled Saturday.