Day 12: Momma’s Got An Endless Supply of Poison

Writing a daily action plan and sending it to my sponsor has been immensely helpful for the last two weeks. It keeps me focused and it has shown me just how much perfectionism pops up for me on the daily as well as over committing myself. It also shows me the many, many small ways I can do service. Complimenting others, finding small ways to serve my coworkers or my roommates, a kind word or action here or there…it goes a long way.

And just some thoughts on a new obsessive behavior that started when I moved to Texas.

I suddenly have very frequent and easy access to vegan donuts. Donuts are, in and of themselves, innocuous. For most of my recovery, I have not eaten them or even contemplated them. I still to this day have not eaten a Krispy Kreme. There’s a huge variety of them here, and the Wicked Stepmother decided in one of her many moments of bait and switch—you should have some vegan donuts. Everyone loves them! And they are vegan! Go ahead, taste one. And one led, immediately, to six. And to me buying them, eating them in the bathroom at work, hiding the wrappers and immediately wanting to throw them up. I don’t think donuts are inherently poisonous or a “bad” food. For me, they are poisonous and if I eat them I will get very, very sick. Literally. Just a reminder to myself: it is the behavior that I engage in when I eat donuts that is poisonous. It triggers the phenomenon of craving and the mental obssession both to eat more of them and to throw them up AND to feel horribly guilty about all of it. Guilt is a huge part of my addictive process. I do not want to add guilt. I want to add peace, connection, nourishment, muscle mass, health, community, service and loyalty to my own inner truth. There’s not a goddamn donut at the center of all of that.

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