Day 2: Guilt By Disassociation

Lots of different things going through my head right now. I know the solution is not in micromanaging and restricting my food (hello, anorexia). My brief stint in the very strict weighed-and-measured versions of OA seemed to push me more over the edge. I kept feeling like a failure, and kept trying over and over again and it JUST DIDN’T WORK. The, of course, experiencing 33 flavors of shame glaze (thank you, Louie CK) as a result of this “failure”. And then, surprise, guilt! The favorite Catholic flavor! Every single time, for the most part, that I’ve consulted the I Ching since I moved it mentions guilt, guilt, guilt. And guess what? It is not my friend.

Last night in the OA Big Book phone meeting I attended, there was mention made of the following points. I found them to be very compelling:

  • I am powerless over all of my abnormal behavior regarding food, including weighing and measuring (!!). I am powerless over my body’s behavior.
  • That diet will always stop working if you are like us. Even with all of the willpower you can muster, it will not work.
  • The middle-of-the-road solution, the solution that doesn’t work, is anything that isn’t in this book (the Big Book) and that includes weighing and measuring (!!)
  • I have really never known a world without controlling or obsessing over my food.
  • My main problem is that my mind is unmanageable.
  • If they’ve had a spiritual experience because of falling in love, or following the Paleo diet or going to 90 meetings in 90 days, then good for them. That all sounds like human aid, and I am beyond human aid. I can only have a spiritual experience as the result of  following these steps.
  • My sponsor is the GPS, my destination is a power greater than myself.

More to come…


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