Elixir Organic Cafe Review: The Talent Show of the Damned

As part of my ongoing interest in vegan culture and eats in Las Vegas, NV,  I thought it would be appropriate to start off with a restaurant review. My brother and I decided to drag ourselves out to get some healthy food today, since I have been doing nothing but eating french fries and vending machine food while our father was dying in hospice. Always a cheery inaugural topic, but that’s my life. Never a dull fucking moment.

I’ve been wanting to check out Elixir in the hopes that they would perhaps actually serve vegetables or (gasp!) healthy vegan food. The restaurant looked like it was run by people who had no idea what a restaurant should look like or how one should be run. It was a mish-mash of random Greek restaurant decor, weird tincture bottles and sacks of bulk herbs. The paintings were strange mythological scenes that looked like they were perhaps painted by mental patients.

The food I ordered was pretty good (spicy vegan chicken wrap on a spinach tortilla and lentil soup), although nothing I couldn’t have whipped up at home. The menu was so confusing that it made me fear that perhaps they wouldn’t even know how to cook what I ordered. They did have a separate “Alternative” vegan/vegetarian menu, but they wanted $3.50 for vegan chicken as an add-on, which seemed steep to me. The prices in general seemed to be way too high for what they were serving. $36 for lunch for a light lunch for two people with no apps or desserts? Way too much! They do offer agave nectar and soymilk for your coffee/tea, which is always nice.

For some reason they had the news playing very loudly on a flat screen TV, which made me anxious. Seriously, I don’t want to hear about women who murder their children and then lock them in the trunk of their car while I am eating. I am nervous and angry enough in these post-the-death-of-my-father days.We asked the waitress, who seemed scared of us (although now that I think about it, she probably should be), to change the station. She asked us if we wanted to listen to music instead and we agreed that would be much better. I thought the worst that would happen was that she would put the smooth “Jazz” station on (horrors!). She proceeded to put on a DVD filmed in black and white of what appeared to be a talent show on the little stage at the back of the cafe. The first “contestant” was a  600 pound Hawaiian woman playing a ukulele and singing in this high-pitched, girlish voice—it was straight out of a David Lynch film. Actually, it was more like Twin Peaks meets Eraserhead meets Tiny Tim meets me slashing my wrists because it was so bad and morbid. This was followed by the second “contestant”, a very slender Asian woman (who could have been a transsexual, I wasn’t sure) in a sparkly catsuit decorated with flames. She/he proceeded to do some sort of contortionist act to this very somber and dramatic music on top of a coffee table. When she put her heels behind her ears, I whispered to my brother, “We need to get the fuck out of here NOW.” It was the strangest restaurant experience I’ve ever had. At least I got a good laugh out of the whole Talent Show of the Damned DVD, but I probably will not be returning to Elixir anytime soon.


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